It goes without saying that masturbation occurs in isolation, at least under these circumstances, and the wife or partner is not involved in this solo activity. Why do so many men view porn in private and keep it secret from their wives, even from those wives who are willing partners in jointly viewing pornography as a "turn on" preceding foreplay and intercourse? One of the reasons why men who are married, engaged to be married, or have a girl friend with whom they are sexually active, engage in the viewing of pornography in secret has to do with an emotion we recently visited called shame.Let us see if we can figure out some answers instead of engaging in condemnation. As has been stated in other weblog entries on this site, shame has to do with deep feelings of self-disapproval.For women, feelings of shame often have to do with body image issues.
Some groups of boys even engage in ejaculation contests to test whose ejaculatory jet is the strongest and can reach the furthest.
Some even engage in urinary contests to see whose urinary stream can reach the furthest.
None of this is mean to imply that the men who watch pornography have these problems.
It does imply that many men fear that these things could happen.
In addition to issues of performance for the male is the issue of genital size and appearance.
Beginning with adolescence it is common for boys to compare penis size with one another.
Shameful feelings of self condemnation can be extremely harsh, especially when it is perceived that a deeply valued belief about what is and is not socially acceptable has been violated. The individual who feels shame engages in total self condemnation, whether other people are aware of it or not.
Shame is much more powerful than guilt because feeling guilty is connected with a single act or behavior of which the person disapproves. Instead, there is awareness that some law or code has been violated in a single instance. It involves a complete judgment of the entire self as negative.
Many of the women who have written in have expressed feeling betrayed when they discover their men have looked at pornography.
They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough.
Would it not be better to try and understand what is happening here between males and females and, through that understanding, develop better ways to cope with this problem?